As I breeze through the house cleaning, I stop and do a turn and sway to the music.The day started sad. So I made a choice this morning. To listen to the music. Now, there's a smile on my face. Louie Armstrong, one of my favorites is singing. He is chuckling. And I chuckle with him. Because in this moment, this one small moment of time, we share a single thought- What a wonderful world it is. I smile. It is a matter of perspective. To see beauty in what could be an ugly world. Good will overcome. Although this year I questioned that. More than I ever have in my life.
2011 came in with a roar. A viscous roar. There was Bethy. Sweet beautiful Betheny. Now this -this rocked my world. Straight to the core. I am still in shock and still rebuilding my heart......
This is why I need to write today. To remind myself of the beauty of this world amidst the ugly. Perspective? I can't seem to put her loss in its place. This one still makes me cry all the time. Makes me wonder about this world. Beautiful and full of life. She was the one who always dared. Dared to be different, dared to be noticed, dared to do anything. No fear in her at all. She was larger than life. When she was little she had a way of always making sure you knew she was in the room. And that never changed. She was my daughters best friend. She was a part of our entire lives. From childhood to adulthood to motherhood. And I can not believe she is gone. She was suppose to be here to see her best friend, my daughter Jesse's little Addison born. For her and Jess to raise their boys together as friends too. To fight with Jess's other friends for the position of Maid of Honor at her wedding. I really wanted to see the end of her story. To see her as an old lady. To see her raise her son. I watched her grow from a little girl into a young woman and then a mother of her own child. Its the circle of life. I never thought for a moment she wouldn't finish that circle here with us. My heart still aches. There is a saying..."Live life out loud". Well if ever someone did, it was her. She piled a lot into her short life. And that was taken from her at 25. From us. Her family, friends and from her son. Bethany was murdered February 19th, 2011. Along with her boyfriend Cord. They died at the hands of another. A lost soul who made a decision to takes her life along with the life of Cord due to his own brokenness. Violently and selfishly. A split second decision and act of violence from this man and lives are robbed. -And Bethy is gone from us all. And hearts are destroyed. Families are pulled apart and a little 5 year old boy is left without his mother. My daughter Jessica lost her best friend. I lost a "daughter". And her mother, my dear friend Julie, lost her world, her heart. It will never make sense to me. I will never understand it. I look at her picture on the shelf and still ask why? My comfort comes in the fact that I believe I will see her again. My hope is in this.
Through all the pain, heartache and loss I have felt this year, I still believe in good. I remind myself of the good things in my life. I have a good man. A strong, loving and kind Christian man. He still opens doors for me after almost 10 years together. He calls me babe, and means it. He still offers me something when he gets himself a glass of tea. He puts me first. He was raised to be a gentleman, and remains true to that. I have children. Not always without issues and troubles, but they are mine and they love me. They still come to me. We still talk and laugh together. I have beautiful grandchildren-all ages. Newborns to 10 years old. Nine of them! I have been in the room and witnessed 3 of their births in the last year. A beautiful home with a pool within a mile of the the beautiful Atlantic ocean. A nice solid running SUV that I love and can drive out on the beach. A great loving church and church family. Wonderful friends. Yes, its a wonderful life. Not perfect by any means. But I am content. Could I use some more money? Yes. Would I love that new fridge? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish some things had turned out differently? Yes. But joy comes from within. And I am joyous. And I believe contentment is learned. And I am content. I am learning such joy and contentment at this stage of my life from the small things. The "jasmine?" scent that filters in my windows. The breeze coming through the front screen. The gentle rain. The birds chirping. The word "gram" from a child. The drive over Snows Cut Bridge with the Cape Fear river on one side and the ocean on the other. Laughing with friends. Revelations from God. And listening to Louie.....
Do I say these things so someone will be envious? NO! I know I have a good life and I am blessed. Many do not have the same comforts as I do. And some have more. I say these things to remind myself. So I do not get blase' about life. Both the big things and the small. Life is fragile. It is to be honored and held dearly in your hands. We are given gifts from God to cherish.
I am still grieving the loss of Bethy. I miss her. A mother herself, a beautiful child such as her should not be taken so young from parents and friends who love her. But she was. So I try to honor and hold dear the things I have. And not waste "life". The things I cherish. And yes, appreciate the simple things such as the sweet fragrance coming through my window. If I can learn to honor and appreciate all the little things in life, the blessings I have, then I think it honors her memory. To not take for granted all the little things that were stolen from her. I thought of her a lot this morning. I think of her every day. But today, the tears began. So that's why the music came on. She loved music. She loved to dance. I can choose to look at the negative or the positive. To love or hate. To be angry or peaceful. To gripe or be thankful. To forgive or hold on to unforgiveness. To sit or to dance. I didn't always have contentment so I appreciate it now. We get so wrapped up in all the things we don't have that sometimes I think we need to take a moment and remember what we do have. And speak it out. Words have power. Life and death comes from our lips. So speak LIFE!!! So I visualize it. Speak it out. Write it down. Smile about it. And speak thankfulness. Loudly!!!. .........And remember to hold life dear. And I will strive to remember all of Bethy. Not how she died, but how she lived. And if you can do all that while listening to a little Louie, then that's even better. And dear sweet daughter Bethy, this dance with Louie, is for you.....
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| Sweet, vibrant CRAZY Betheny |
This is why I need to write today. To remind myself of the beauty of this world amidst the ugly. Perspective? I can't seem to put her loss in its place. This one still makes me cry all the time. Makes me wonder about this world. Beautiful and full of life. She was the one who always dared. Dared to be different, dared to be noticed, dared to do anything. No fear in her at all. She was larger than life. When she was little she had a way of always making sure you knew she was in the room. And that never changed. She was my daughters best friend. She was a part of our entire lives. From childhood to adulthood to motherhood. And I can not believe she is gone. She was suppose to be here to see her best friend, my daughter Jesse's little Addison born. For her and Jess to raise their boys together as friends too. To fight with Jess's other friends for the position of Maid of Honor at her wedding. I really wanted to see the end of her story. To see her as an old lady. To see her raise her son. I watched her grow from a little girl into a young woman and then a mother of her own child. Its the circle of life. I never thought for a moment she wouldn't finish that circle here with us. My heart still aches. There is a saying..."Live life out loud". Well if ever someone did, it was her. She piled a lot into her short life. And that was taken from her at 25. From us. Her family, friends and from her son. Bethany was murdered February 19th, 2011. Along with her boyfriend Cord. They died at the hands of another. A lost soul who made a decision to takes her life along with the life of Cord due to his own brokenness. Violently and selfishly. A split second decision and act of violence from this man and lives are robbed. -And Bethy is gone from us all. And hearts are destroyed. Families are pulled apart and a little 5 year old boy is left without his mother. My daughter Jessica lost her best friend. I lost a "daughter". And her mother, my dear friend Julie, lost her world, her heart. It will never make sense to me. I will never understand it. I look at her picture on the shelf and still ask why? My comfort comes in the fact that I believe I will see her again. My hope is in this.
 |
| My daughter Jessica and Beth BF's Forever! |
Through all the pain, heartache and loss I have felt this year, I still believe in good. I remind myself of the good things in my life. I have a good man. A strong, loving and kind Christian man. He still opens doors for me after almost 10 years together. He calls me babe, and means it. He still offers me something when he gets himself a glass of tea. He puts me first. He was raised to be a gentleman, and remains true to that. I have children. Not always without issues and troubles, but they are mine and they love me. They still come to me. We still talk and laugh together. I have beautiful grandchildren-all ages. Newborns to 10 years old. Nine of them! I have been in the room and witnessed 3 of their births in the last year. A beautiful home with a pool within a mile of the the beautiful Atlantic ocean. A nice solid running SUV that I love and can drive out on the beach. A great loving church and church family. Wonderful friends. Yes, its a wonderful life. Not perfect by any means. But I am content. Could I use some more money? Yes. Would I love that new fridge? Yes, absolutely! Do I wish some things had turned out differently? Yes. But joy comes from within. And I am joyous. And I believe contentment is learned. And I am content. I am learning such joy and contentment at this stage of my life from the small things. The "jasmine?" scent that filters in my windows. The breeze coming through the front screen. The gentle rain. The birds chirping. The word "gram" from a child. The drive over Snows Cut Bridge with the Cape Fear river on one side and the ocean on the other. Laughing with friends. Revelations from God. And listening to Louie.....
Do I say these things so someone will be envious? NO! I know I have a good life and I am blessed. Many do not have the same comforts as I do. And some have more. I say these things to remind myself. So I do not get blase' about life. Both the big things and the small. Life is fragile. It is to be honored and held dearly in your hands. We are given gifts from God to cherish.
I am still grieving the loss of Bethy. I miss her. A mother herself, a beautiful child such as her should not be taken so young from parents and friends who love her. But she was. So I try to honor and hold dear the things I have. And not waste "life". The things I cherish. And yes, appreciate the simple things such as the sweet fragrance coming through my window. If I can learn to honor and appreciate all the little things in life, the blessings I have, then I think it honors her memory. To not take for granted all the little things that were stolen from her. I thought of her a lot this morning. I think of her every day. But today, the tears began. So that's why the music came on. She loved music. She loved to dance. I can choose to look at the negative or the positive. To love or hate. To be angry or peaceful. To gripe or be thankful. To forgive or hold on to unforgiveness. To sit or to dance. I didn't always have contentment so I appreciate it now. We get so wrapped up in all the things we don't have that sometimes I think we need to take a moment and remember what we do have. And speak it out. Words have power. Life and death comes from our lips. So speak LIFE!!! So I visualize it. Speak it out. Write it down. Smile about it. And speak thankfulness. Loudly!!!. .........And remember to hold life dear. And I will strive to remember all of Bethy. Not how she died, but how she lived. And if you can do all that while listening to a little Louie, then that's even better. And dear sweet daughter Bethy, this dance with Louie, is for you.....
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| Beth and little boy JJ |
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| Cord and Beth |
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| Bethy |
