TURNING 50

APRIL 24
To all my friends and loved ones out there.........
WOW...this is Tuesday and I turned 50. Friday my family took me out to celebrate!
I started reflecting on this a while back when my dear friend Dave turned 50 (he's older than me... ;) -and I received a letter about his feelings on it. I began to think about how I felt about the "big day".
Oddly, I am not bothered much.
Funny how we gage our lives in numbers.
But the number of my years can not define me. How can they? Only yesterday I was 30. The day before that I was still in high school! So how could I be "old" in a matter of days? Life passes so quickly.
The number of lines on my face do not betray me. Each line represents a moment in my life. Good or bad. A night of crying, a thought, a worry, a concern, a wonder, a tear, a late night. Squinting at the sun on a beautiful summers day, laughter that both my children and now my grandchildren have brought me. Those are the lines I treasure. The others I've learned to ignore.
Again, numbers. The one the scale reveals does not measure my value. I have earned the right for every pound I have gained.
I have not been the perfect wife, mother, daughter, sister, or friend. I have only done the best I know how. But I myself, have been blessed, with, yes, the perfect husband, children, mother, sister and brother and friends. For they accept me. I have not always lived up to the expectations of others and I have been judged for that. Sometimes harshly. I have lost loved ones, and good friends. Both through death, and just life. Both equally unfair. I have been so far down that I never thought I could get back up. But I have. Sometimes with a loved ones help, sometimes only with God's. And I am stronger for it.
I have loved honestly, fiercly. Sometimes the wrong person, sometimes the right ones. I have cried miserably over the loss of loved ones and friends and yet laughed until I cried, with loved ones and friends.
I have made mistakes but I believe I have done my best. There are no do-overs in life. Only possible second chances.
And I have reached the point in my life that I am satisfied with that.
I have finally done what I have tried for 50 years to do. Accept myself. Good and bad. To be comfortable in my own skin. To be set free from feeling unworthy. Why couldn't I have done that 30 years ago? Maybe that is the reward for all the years you live.
My life is full.
I enjoy the little things more now. Fresh coffee on a beautiful summer's morning. Peepers outside my window when I sleep. A rainy day. Hello's from my neighbors. Laughing. My children and grandchildren playing in the pool. Giggling. A margarita on a summer evening by the pool with my husband. Good friends stopping by unexpectedly. Waking up to a sun shining day. Waking up to a rainy day. Planting flowers. An occasional glass of wine. A day by myself to read, or even just putz around my home. Seeing a hummingbird or deer in my yard. A text from my son saying he loves me. Girl talk with my daughters. A day with the whole family. A hug from my husband. An unexpected call from an old friend. Starting over. Second chances. Forgiveness.
I believe God must have a sense of humor. He must look down at us and smile and say
"Finally, you get it. You value yourself for who you are...for who I made you to be."
No one can not tell me who I am.
No one can determine who I shall be.
Only God can define me. I am who He says I am.
I am his child.
His daughter.
I am blessed.
I am joyful.
And for all other things, I am forgiven.
But mostly I am loved.
So who cares about a number? I may just turn 50 again next year. ;)